Easter Island and the Chilean with the Brazilian
When a family adventure unexpectedly turns X-rated
BY KIRSTEN KOZA
My obsession with Easter Island’s mysterious monolithic stone statues started when I was around five-years-old after I’d seen the film Chariots of the Gods. In the movie, aliens had helped the natives of Easter Island erect stone monoliths called moai. Of course I now know that aliens had nothing to do with the moai—I mean, come on, if extraterrestrials could build a space ship to fly across galaxies, surely they’d do something else with their spare time besides helping scantily clad Polynesians carve rudimentary cement-truck-sized statues on one of the most remote inhabited islands in the world, 3686 kilometers off the coast of Chile.
Finally, forty years later, I was hiking up Rano Raraku volcano, the birth place of the moai, with my seven-year-old son, Rigel. I pulled my collar up to protect my neck from the ruthless sun and pulled my hat down over my face to hide my already blistered lips. No shade in sight, the Rapa Nui natives had eviscerated the island of trees to transport their statues across the volcanic terrain. I recognized individual moai from Thor Heyerdahl’s book. I was about as close to Nirvana as I could get. Rigel and I continued up slowly.
“Can we go to the beach now? It’s hot,” Rigel gasped.
I looked at his little scarlet face and then the giant moai lying stacked upon one another, still in the midst of being carved out of the volcano’s walls but frozen in process by an outbreak of tribal war, which was followed by despair and cannibalism, and then an invasion of slave traders in the 1800s. “Yeah, O.K.,” I agreed. We had three weeks here, so no rush. I’d hang with Rigel. I looked around for my husband, Malcolm, and my friend Karen who’d gone ahead.
Rigel and I descended the dust-slick rock path. We ended up stuck behind two Chilean women in high-heeled beach sandals (stiletto flip flops). Their skirts were flapping in the strong breeze and their tight-jeaned man, equally encumbered by his attire was failing dismally at helping either lady down the slope.
“Excuse me, excuse us,” I said as Rigel and I skidded past the traffic jam of frills and girly-girls clutching their cologne soaked he-man.
As I helped Rigel climb down a steep rock below one of the Chilean princesses, her dress blew up like Marilyn Monroe’s—except this wasn’t family rated. I saw Rigel’s face blanch and his pupils dilate.
Rigel leapt towards me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me down the steep incline at break-neck speed. “Why did that woman’s vagina look like that?”
“Her vagina hair was just a thin black stripe,” Rigel said in shock.
I hoped this was not going to be his first journal entry in his Easter Island Diary that he was bringing back to his grade one teacher and class. As it was, the teacher disapproved of me taking Rigel out of school for a three week trip. She thought his life might be adversely affected by missing that much cut and paste and carpet time.
“Did her hair on her vagina grow into that shape?”
“No, she’s had it waxed.” Shit.
“Like a car?” Rigel asked. “Is that why her vagina was so shiny?”
“No, that was tanning oil or something.”
“Why would she want a wax and tan on her vagina?”
“Rigel, you see that moai over there. His name is El Gigante and he weighs over four hundred thousand pounds.” I pointed to the resting giant. “He was someone’s real great great-great granddad, as all the moai were shaped and carved for real Rapa Nui people.”
“Where is she from?” Rigel inquired.
“Huh?” I looked at El Gigante. It would have taken an entire tribe or clan a whole year to carve this.
Rigel tugged my arm. “What country is that woman from?”
“She’s Chilean,” I said.
“Do people from different countries have pubic hair that grows in different shapes?”
Oh, great. “No, she’s had most of her pubic hair removed.” I stopped myself from going any further. We were at one of the world’s greatest archaeological wonders and I wasn’t about to give my son a lesson on bikini waxing styles.
“Can you pick the shape you want your pubic hair to be? Do you ever do that to yours?”
“Hers was a zebra.”
“It was a Brazilian,” I said.
“Why would a Chilean want a Brazilian on her vagina?” Rigel asked.
Later, my friend Karen and I stood in the soft white sand below the moai, at Anakena beach, while my husband took over cooking lunch in a large Rapa Nui woman’s beach kiosk. Anakena was where the Rapa Nui canoes had first arrived, after their treacherous 3900-kilometer paddle across the South Pacific, from the Marquesas Islands. Rigel ran around impatiently as we took pictures.
“I can’t believe we’re here,” said Karen. “It’s incredible. I never fathomed the size of the monoliths or how hard it must have been to transport them around the island.”
“Karen,” I whispered. “It’s a good thing you educated me on all the varieties of pubic epilation the other day. It came in handy at Rano Raraku.”
“Why?” Karen asked, moving her sunglasses down her nose to look at me.
“A couple of Chilean women were going commando and Rigel had frontal view of beaver.”
Karen laughed. “So which style was it?”
“It was a Brazilian beaver.”
“Full? As in the naked Sphinx?” Karen inquired.
“No, there was a landing strip.”
Karen laughed even louder. Hey, Rigel,” Karen called. “Did you know that one of the statues’ hats weighs as much as two elephants?”
Rigel ran over. He was excited. “Mom, Karen, guess what?”
“That Chilean woman is here!”
(This story of Kirsten’s was published in the Travelers’ Tales series of books The Best Women’s Travel Writing volume 9)
Chasing Tornadoes: “The Suck Zone. It’s the point basically when the twister… sucks you up.”—Dusty from Twister
BY KIRSTEN KOZA
“Go, go, go!” Ron bellowed. He must have sensed my hesitation.
Was I supposed to pull a one-eighty and drive away from the tornado or actually haul ass through a Nebraskan cornfield toward it? Then the twister flickered and was gone.
“It’s coming back,” Ron yelled. “It’s going to come down on the track right in front of us!” And then it did. A full vortex. “GO! Towards it!”
I stomped on the accelerator pedal of the intercept vehicle, a hail-dented little Pontiac Vibe. We were doing eighty in a cornfield. Getting stuck was not an option.
We were approaching my first tornado, now just 500 feet in front of me. The dark, jagged cord of wind looked like it could loop and lasso me from my seat. Now 200 feet. I thought about the tornado in the Wizard of Oz—it was made by spinning a black sock. It was ingenious and inexpensive. I was living a movie, a nightmare, and a dream come true. My heart pounded in my temples. This was real.
“Gone.” Ron slammed his laptop shut. “There was another one there on the hill as well. So what did you think?”
I whooped my reply cowgirl-style. It was time for a bar, drinks, dancing, screaming, bloody steaks, mashed potatoes, do the twist.
It was the last day of the storm chase, and I’d driven 12,365.3 miles through the summer while Ron Gravelle, storm predictor, forecaster, and certified chaser, navigated us to the best storms across the United States. The weather had been a storm chaser’s worst nightmare, sunny and dry. Yet Ron overlaid hundreds of weather maps and found a variety of extreme conditions: killer fork lightning in Louisiana, an isolated cell in New Mexico with a cactus and canyon backdrop, a Kansas storm that looked like it could plough a house across a field, a front in Colorado that resembled an alien ship from Independence Day. I’d finally seen my first tornado. But not my last.
“So, you heard what happened with Ben and the thirty thousand dollars at the border?” Len, the South African stock car racer, asked me when we picked up the SUVs at Will Roger’s Airport in Oklahoma City.
It was four years since my first chase, when I had—upon whim—begged Ron to take me on as a driver to pursue extreme weather, one of the things that both frightened and fascinated me most on the planet. Now I was back in Tornado Alley, the expansive swath of the United States between the Rockies and Appalachians, stretching from North Dakota all the way south through Texas. I was here with Ron again—he’d been hired by a television network from Hong Kong for a ten-day storm chase and had asked me to drive for him. Ron was sporting a t-shirt that showcased a spectacular Colorado tornado, an image of his that had been published in National Geographic. I desperately wanted to take a picture like Ron’s. That was the only problem with being an intercept driver—less opportunity to shoot photos. But it was also the only way I could afford to keep doing this.
Ron handed me a set of keys to a brand-new silver Chevy Suburban, extra-long. I’d already heard the story from Ron about his brother-in-law Ben and the thirty thousand dollars. “He had loose change in his pocket,” I said, “which put you guys over your limit of ten thousand each in cash that you could bring in from Canada. But I can’t believe the border officials seized the entire thirty-grand because of a couple coins? Freaking disaster.”
Stock-Car-Len grappled me in a bumper-grinding hug. There was nothing sexual about it. “The entire trip budget, gone,” he said, shaking his head, “and all Ron has is a little slip of paper so maybe he can get it back from someplace in Canada. Those machines at the airport can see what you’re carrying.”
Later that morning we made our introductions with the Chinese celebrities and film crew in the lobby of the airport Ramada.
Keiky, the scriptwriter, shook my hand, “Nice to meet you. This is He.”
He shook my hand. He was China’s George Clooney.
“And this is “Lawlaw Law.” Law had evidence of a former harelip. His job was to report on his colleagues, back to China.
It was our turn to introduce a few of the storm chase team. “This is Ben, Len, and Jen.” Nine Asian faces stared at us in disbelief.
Soon our trio of storm-chase SUVs was on the highway and heading away from Oklahoma where the weather was going to remain sunny and dry for a week. Stock-Car-Len overtook us slowly so that Ron’s cameraman, Ben, could film us. As they passed, I waved to Justin, a student from Singapore who’d signed on at the last minute and was hoping his mother would never know he spent his summer vacation chasing tornadoes instead of tail. It would be a difficult secret to keep, though, since it was a major television production and his parents were fans of Wong He. Then Stock-Car-Len sped ahead to get a shot of the lead vehicle.
I had the two Hong Kong celebrities in the backseats of the cavernous Suburban. I inhaled the glorious toxic scent of new car. Keiky, the researcher and scriptwriter, sat beside me in the passenger seat. Lawlaw Law was sawing logs already from the back row.
“Nice leather,” Wong He said, admiring the Suburban. He was a Buddhist. Leather seemed an odd thing for a Buddhist to admire.
Yan Ng, the female star, put on a coat even though it was almost a hundred degrees outside. I examined her prettiness in my rearview mirror. According to Justin, she wasn’t just a TV presenter but was also a famous singer.
“Where are we going?” Keiky asked me excitedly.
“To The Big Texan, in Amarillo, Texas, to eat rattlesnake, bull testicles and a free seventy-two-ounce steak—free, that is, if you can eat the whole thing in an hour,” I drawled, and then felt like an idiot for drawling. “Have you been doing a lot of research about storms?” I asked her. I wasn’t sure what I should explain. As the scriptwriter, she really should have been riding in the lead vehicle with Ron.
“Have you seen a tornado before?” she asked.
“Yes, with Ron, in Nebraska. I drove right toward it.”
“Was it an F4 or F5?” Keiky was schoolgirl cute, adorned in kittens and bows, but I had the sneaking suspicion she could be as deadly as a crouching tiger.
“A tornado only gets an F-rating if it hits something like a barn, bridge, outhouse, or Wal-Mart, and then the damage is assessed,” I explained. “The tornado I saw didn’t hit anything, so it wouldn’t even be counted. Even if we drive toward a tornado that’s a whopping F5 in power and size, it’s a zero if it doesn’t hit something. Practically every year you hear it’s a record-breaking year for tornadoes, right…yes?”
Keiky nodded—but she might have been nodding off to sleep.
“It isn’t that there are more tornadoes. There are just more housing developments and shopping centers being built in their paths,” I continued, trying to make my voice more animated, like a teacher during story time. “More twisters are being counted with F-ratings because there are simply more objects for them to hit.”
“Uh-huh,” Keiky said, rooting through her enormous purse—probably looking for a pair of earplugs.
“Anyway, we’re not going to get any severe weather for a few days—it’s been really hot and dry. And we’re going to have to head far north for the weather coming over the Rocky Mountains. There’s been a drought in the U.S. all summer. For a big storm you need a few main ingredients—moisture for starts, and there hasn’t been any, instability, and lifting agents…” I saw Keiky’s eyes glaze.
Ron explained it so well. He used ice fishing as an analogy. I decided to channel him. “Hunting for tornadoes is like going on an ice-fishing trip,” I said. “You aren’t going to try and drill a hole through ice that’s 1,000 feet thick—you’re going to look for where it’s thin. If the ice is thin, it’s easier to break, and then you get a hole. It’s when the weather conditions such as updrafts, lift, moisture, and instability can penetrate the CAP, where the hole is, that you can get a tornado. Ron will be looking for where the ice is thin.” I loved this so much. It turned my crank, but something about my explanation wasn’t working. Did they even go ice fishing in China?
“Have you seen the movie, Twister?” I asked.
“Oh, yes,” Keiky applauded. “We watched this for research.”
“It’s just like Twister,” I said. “But I’ve never seen flying cows.”
“How long until we will be in Texas?” Keiky asked.
“Just a couple hours.”
She sat back and closed her eyes. Lawlaw was snoring, and Wong He and Yan were hunched over their phones.
A few hours later, while the Hong Kong film crew ran around the leaning water tower of Texas, the storm chasers watched a single cell storm, in the middle of a horizon-to-horizon blue sky, making its way across the plains.
Ron nudged me. “I told you.” He pointed north. “We’re heading to Colorado and Nebraska, then over to the Dakotas. We should get something big in the Dakotas.”
Wong He saw me taking pictures of the little storm. “What?” He asked.
“It’s exactly what we need. It’s a great sign. It means there’s now moisture.” I was thrilled.
“It’s just some rain. Pffft,” he said, dismissing it with his hand. “It’s not a tornado.”
It hit me: No wonder Ron’s brilliant ice-fishing analogy seemed to fall on deaf ears. The TV crew was here to see a tornado—they weren’t interested in the process. And because of that, unless they saw a tornado, the trip would be a write-off. The work that went into finding a tornado was part of the journey. But the Chinese group was snacking and snoozing and gaming, Facebooking and tweeting and texting. They were more involved in their virtual lives than with what was happening in the here and now. They’d seen Twister.
Day two: Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, all in one day’s drive, and now on our third day we were back in Nebraska and the weather was severe. I kept my eyes on Jen’s taillights while also watching for deer or livestock that might fly across the road. Wind rocked the Suburban, and my passengers sounded like spectators at a fireworks show as they oohed and ahhed over the forks of lightning. Nobody was hunched over a handheld device now; their faces were pressed to the windows. I angled my rearview mirror back at the road. Stock-Car was right behind me, but not too close. The man could kiss your license plate on a highway. I recognized this roller coaster of road—we were near Valentine.
Lightning eviscerated the sky.
“There’s rotation!” Ron yelled over the thunder from behind.
I stood under the power lines between Wong He and Justin. Sand fleas attacked my shins, but I didn’t move. The Chinese cameraman, soundman, and tech all struggled with their wires and equipment while I took photos. Bright yellow grass angled in the wind against an ash blue sky. Then, out of the revolving super cell above us, a funnel descended. I was transfixed. It was right over us. Hell from the heavens was reaching for me. In order to be a proper tornado, it would have to come in contact with the ground. I prayed it would.
My first tornado had looked like barbed wire, but this funnel was smooth—almost sexual. I looked behind me and clocked where the Suburban was, to calculate when I’d need to run. Maybe now was the time to run. Was now the time to run? Ron, Ben, and Jen, whose long blonde hair whipped up over her head like a science experiment, were on the road beside the vehicles. Why was I standing on a hill under the power lines with a tornado trying to materialize above me? In Twister, the character Dusty warned that one should stay out of the suck zone. And if this cone reached the ground, we’d be right in it.
“We’re going east!” Ron yelled.
We bolted to the vehicles and headed down the road alongside the storm. Then the rain hit. We had been ahead of the front. Now we were behind it, and it was like driving through a waterfall. I masked my slight state of panic with my “business as usual” face. Storm chasing becomes dangerous when you can’t see. This was now officially death defying, and just like the time I was on an airplane with malfunctioning landing gear, my son Rigel, now thirteen, popped into my head.
I didn’t want to die and be Rigel’s big disappointment and life-long baggage. Regardless, I was still annoyed by my mother’s gym acquaintances They thought it was so cool that I was tornado chasing until they found out from my mother that I also was a mother, and then they disapproved. I white-knuckled the steering wheel as we hydroplaned. You don’t have to stop living life to the fullest just because you’ve given birth. Rigel was proud of my quests.
We turned onto a gravel road.
“You’re going to get to try out your helmets,” I shouted. “We might get hail.” I grinned at Wong He and Yan. They’d brought helmets from China.
Wong He smacked the top of his helmet to prove its strength, and then before I knew it he was out of the Suburban and leaping across the grasslands, talking to his video camera in the torrential downpour and deadly lightning while the crew set up.
Lawlaw Law made a sarcastic comment in Chinese. Tone of voice can be universal.
I videoed He as he jogged to the lead vehicle to stand under the shelter of the rear door with the crew. Suddenly Woody, whose job was a mystery to me, pushed Wong He and grabbed his camera, then tossed it into the back of the SUV. There was rapid-fire shouting in Cantonese. When Woody turned his head—maybe he felt me watching—Wong He lunged for his camera and marched back to our Suburban with it.
I wanted to ask what had happened, but Lawlaw Law was sitting in the back with folded arms and an expression of extreme distaste on his face. What I saw in the rearview mirror frightened me more than an unseen tornado. I saw primal loathing, maybe even utter hatred. I fiddled with the skipping rope that Ben had bought me in Colorado so I’d have something to jump over at rest breaks. (For the first few days I’d been air-skipping in parking lots across five states—you had to do something to counteract the fast food diet, arguably the most dangerous part of tornado chasing.) I looked back in the rearview mirror. Wong He was peeling off his sopping clothes. He was gorgeous. He was living on apple slices and water.
I, on the other hand, was living on Quarter Pounders. I was hooked. It happened every time I did this. Maybe I was partly doing this as an excuse to eat salty, greasy, splendid junk? I angled the mirror at myself. Yuck, I thought. You really are what you eat. I turned the mirror back to He. It was perfectly fine to admire the guy—even if I was married. Surely it was acceptable to admire the George Clooneys on our planet. I grabbed my pulled pork sandwich out of the center console and took a huge bite. Fat ran down my chin. Oh, God, I thought, I love this job.
Nebraska, and then just one day later, Iowa and Missouri, and the following morning Minneapolis, Minnesota—where Stock-Car was rear-ended during morning rush hour traffic. The SUV was fine, but the car that hit Len, Ben, and Justin was totaled. Len figured the young driver must have been texting to miss the large SUV right in front of him.
Day six, South Dakota—the Chinese group were still texting and tweeting and Facebooking; in restaurants and on the road, they never stopped looking at their handheld devices. Day seven, North Dakota—Ron filed official weather reports over his radio. A road sign for Winnipeg, a sign for Fargo, and many wood chipper jokes amongst the westerners later, we were now parked on a dirt road as dust sandblasted anyone who dared to stand outside. A super cell worth risking my camera lenses for was fast approaching. I could barely see due to the flying dirt, but I recorded Yan being blown right off her feet. The soundman’s plastic raincoat flapped loudly as it was shredded by the wind. The ingredients were almost perfect for a tornado.
“If a tornado is going to come down, it’s coming down right there!” Ron stood with his hands on his hips, apparently oblivious to the stones hitting his bald head. He did the same thing in hail. He was so intent on the weather I doubted he’d notice flying monkeys. I was terrified of the flying monkeys.
A whirlwind of grit scoured my eyeballs, and I ducked inside the Suburban to retrieve my sunglasses. Today I was driving for Ron in the lead vehicle. Wong He was sitting in the back of the 4×4 on his own. Now was my chance to ask.
“He, what’s going on? Everyone seems mad at you. They’re obviously ignoring you. It’s practically a Mennonite-style shunning.”
“You noticed?” He threw his hands up in exasperation. “They want me to lie and say I saw a tornado, when I haven’t. They’re all mad at me because I won’t do it. I was hired for my integrity, for my reputation. I’m not going to ruin my reputation.”
“The trip isn’t over. You could still get a tornado. Maybe any minute…” I hoped we would, but this storm was so spectacular, it didn’t matter if we didn’t.
“You know what Yan’s line in the script was, just then, when she was blown over? Her line was, ‘It’s windy.’ That’s the type of lines they’re giving us. That’s like filming someone eating chicken and they say, ‘It tastes like chicken.’ They’re giving me nothing. They don’t care about the storms or how they’re made. They just want to see a tornado.” He picked up his camera. “Did you see them take my camera yesterday? They told me I wasn’t to film anything myself because they’re paying for me to be here. I took my camera back.”
“I saw that. It was terrible.”
“I feel sorry for them too, though,” he said. “There’s so much pressure. They have to film a tornado. They can’t go back to China without one—it will be seen as their failure. That’s why they want me to lie. I talked to the executive producer in China today. He said I should just say on camera that I saw one, and he won’t use it in the show, but that way I can at least get along with the crew.”
I had a bad feeling about that. But I said nothing. I put on my sunglasses and dusted off my lens before stepping back outside.
Ron was looking at his camera’s viewer. Then he lowered it and squinted at the field, now just a wall of debris heading right at us.
“GO!!!” Ron ran full-speed toward the SUV with me right behind him.
I jumped into the driver’s seat, heard doors slamming behind me, and floored it, spitting up stones. I looked in my mirror. Jen was screaming at the Chinese crew to get in the vehicle. You didn’t have to be an expert lip reader to see she was tossing F-bombs at them through the dust.
“Jen isn’t following yet,” I said to Ron, who was looking at Baron Mobile Threat Net, his live weather software that showed our vehicle in relation to the storm. We crested a hill and were airborne, then sped down the far side.
“Take the next left,” Ron ordered.
We were at the next left. I hit the brakes. “They’re still not here!” They wouldn’t know if we went straight or left. I didn’t have my walkie-talkie. It was in the other truck. Where was Jen? I purposely held back and watched the top of the hill.
“GO!” Ron commanded.
I saw Jen crest the hill. I hit the gas and braked and attempted to drift around the corner on the loose gravel, but the vehicle’s excellent traction control made it difficult.
“My camera picked up a tornado but we couldn’t see it,” Ron said. “It was behind the debris. It was right there. Exactly where I said it would be.” Ron tilted his camera so I could see, but I didn’t want to take my eyes off the road.
Ron liked my driving because he said it was “smooth.” I could pass traffic on the shoulder of the fast lane doing one hundred miles an hour while he calmly worked the weather.
Just then, a blinding ball of light exploded behind me. Stock-Car’s SUV had been hit by lightning. But they were still coming. Now that man could really drive. Hail pummeled the windscreen; I was driving sightless and knew it was wrong, but I didn’t want Ron to see me fail. And I didn’t want the TV crew to miss a tornado because of me. The barrage of ice stones on the roof was deafening. I kept driving. Ron told me to take the next right. I missed it. He gave me the “special” look, the “how especially stupid are you” look—the one he saved for dimwitted hotel receptionists and waitresses.
That evening as we checked into our hotel, Jen and I made excuses to Ron, Ben and Len about needing vitamins and not a germ-loaded buffet, but in truth we’d already spied the buzzing neon signs of a Mexican restaurant close to our hotel. We got drunk on Oz-green margaritas—which we decided had lots of vitamin C—and fended off a grifter in a Hugo Boss suit and a clip-on tie. We tumbled into our beds hours before the buffet-seeking storm chasers and Chinese crew were tucked into theirs.
Day eight was the other kind of “suck zone.” It had been a fruitless trek back and forth between the Dakotas. And now, on day nine, we had to drive 900 miles back to Oklahoma. The trip was over. For the Canadian crew, it was a success. We were chasing storms. For the Chinese crew it was a failure. They were chasing tornadoes.
There was a camera attached to my side-view mirror that was focused on me (or maybe my crop of fast-food pimples), and another on the front of my vehicle, plus one on the passenger mirror trained on Wong He. We both wore microphones. The cameraman and soundman were squished between us, capturing our road-trip banter. We talked about Facebook etiquette and the chiropractic back cracking He had given me the day before. But I desperately wanted to ask him whether he’d lied about seeing the tornado. Jen had told me as we loaded the trucks in the morning that both the director and Keiky had asked Ron if they could buy footage of past tornadoes he’d captured, but they didn’t give him the reason. You couldn’t just lie about a tornado. I knew Ron would never sell it to them if he thought they were going to lie. But I couldn’t ask He about this while on camera.
I was relieved to see Wong He back in the passenger seat. He’d driven for a stretch earlier in the day—he wanted to drive, he said, to help me out, because I was exhausted. He’d said it was his gift to me. Then he overtook a truck on a blind hill, which was the closest any of us had come to dying on this trip.
“Stock-Car-Len sure tore a strip off your hide for your driving earlier today,” I said.
The cameraman leapt in for a close-up of my face. I hadn’t known the man spoke English until that moment.
If I had a crystal ball, like the Wicked Witch of the West, I’d have learned that nine months later the Chinese crew’s disappointment over not filming a tornado would be nothing compared to Ron’s frustration over never reclaiming from U.S. customs the thirty thousand dollars he’d ponied up to fund the trip. And that the storm chasing episode had yet to air in Hong Kong due to a bureaucratic quagmire—so I still wouldn’t know if Wong He had to lie or if he’d told the truth.
But for now, I ignored the cameraman. Keeping my hands on the wheel, my eyes on the road, and my mouth shut, I drove on.
This tour will take you to Ho Chi Minh (Saigon), Mekong Delta, Hue (Forbidden City), Red Beach, Hoi An (for full moon festival), Danang, Hanoi, Ninh Binh, and Halong Bay. We’ll be staying at boutique and spa hotels and in UNESCO world heritage sites, while on this food adventure that screams “Anthony Bourdain, Jamie Oliver, and Top Gear dudes, eat your freaking hearts out!”
(Eleven participants have booked already!)
Scroll Down for Itinerary, Prices and Info about Your Expedition Hosts and Guides
DAY 1, March 7th (2017): Ho Chi Minh (Saigon)
- Street food tour traveling between venues on the back of vintage Vespas!
You will arrive at Tan Son Nhat International airport (HCMC, Saigon) and will be met with a warm welcome. Some of you may arrive on flights the night before – we can arrange for an extra hotel night and for you to be greeted then, as well.
Late afternoon (after check-in and after you’ve rested) we’ll all go for a traditional Vietnamese coffee at a local café to get fueled up for our evening adventure—a four-hour sampling of the best street food in the city plus a taste of cultural nightlife while traveling between venues on the back of vintage Vespas. You’ll be riding pillion with an experienced local driving the motorcycle because the alcoholic beverages are free flowing on this all you can eat extravaganza, that will also take us to see live music (cabaret style) and a final stop at a bar with Vietnamese performers who will knock your socks off (well, hopefully you won’t be wearing socks since you’ll probably be wearing sandals.)
Meals: afternoon coffee, dinner (food tour, 6:00-10:00 p.m.) and drinks
Overnight: Deluxe room in Paradise Saigon Boutique Hotel
DAY 2, March 8th: Ho Chi Minh to Can Tho (in the heart of the Mekong Delta in south western Vietnam)
- Private speed boat from Ho Chi Minh to Mekong Delta with food and locally made booze tastings on route
Our guide will meet us at 8:00 a.m. to take us to the Ho Chi Minh city pier where we’ll board our private speedboat to take us through a region of the Mekong Delta that few tourists get to experience. The area was once part of the Khmer empire and we’ll be making cultural stops to visit pagodas and Buddhist and Cao Dai Temples (Cao Dai is the religion that worships Victor Hugo, yes, the author of Les Miserables), plus we’ll be stopping at riverside markets, workshops, historical sites, then for lunch at a local’s house, and to take spectacular photos as we travel the expanses of the Delta of Nine Dragons.
Late in the afternoon we’ll meet our private minibus and will drive the rest of the way to Can Tho to our hotel to freshen up before our evening (walking) street food tour of delectables. On this night, the more daring might like to sample some snake wine.
Meals: Breakfast (twice if you’d like, as you can have a 2nd breakfast on the boat), lunch, dinner (street food tour)
Overnight: Superior rooms at The Fortune Land Hotel
DAY 3, March 9th: Can Tho – Binh Thuy – and back to Saigon
- Today might be the day you have your first ever exotic fruit orgasm, plus more beauty boat rides, some crazy tastings, and back to Saigon for a family style dinner in a local restaurant
We’ll explore more of the Mekong Delta (a massive labyrinth of distributaries which covers around 39,000 square kilometres) by boat, including the Cai Rang floating market, and will take narrow canals to a village to sample dishes special to the region. Then we’ll disembark at Ninh Kieu quay and will head back to Saigon along a highway through rice paddies, in our private vehicle, via Binh Thuy (stopping for banh bao, cakes, and ice coffee). Then after a break at our hotel, we’ll have dinner (Vietnamese family style) at a local restaurant downtown and perhaps crash a few birthday parties while there.
Meals: Breakfast, Tastings, Lunch, Dinner
Overnight: back at the Paradise
DAY 4, March 10th: Fly from Ho Chi Minh City to Hue
- Market, monks, and rickshaw food tour along Perfume River
This morning we fly north to Hue in central Vietnam, once home to the Nguyen dynasty of emperors. Upon arrival in Hue we’ll go for a Vietnamese coffee and then to Dong Ba market for a bowl of pho and to capture fabulous photos of daily life, or to buy some coffee beans to bring home, before visiting with a monk at Thien Mu Pagoda overlooking the Perfume river. If you have seen the unforgettable image taken by Malcolm Browne, of the monk who in protest set himself ablaze, in 1963 (the image that John F. Kennedy said this about: “No news picture in history has generated so much emotion around the world as that one.”), then you’ll remember the car behind the burning monk. That car is enshrined here.
In the evening we’ll enjoy a food tour of the specialties of Hue by cyclos (rickshaws).
Meals: Breakfast, coffee, lunch, dinner (food tour)
Overnight: Deluxe rooms at the Asia Hue Hotel
DAY 5, March 11th: Hue – Red Beach – Danang – Hoi An
Purple Forbidden City, Khai Dinh’s Tomb, Hai Van Pass
This morning we’ll cross the moat into the vast walled fortress of the Imperial Citadel which contains the Purple Forbidden City. This UNESCO world heritage site has visible battle scars from the Vietnam, or as the Vietnamese call it, the American War, yet is astoundingly exquisite. Then we’ll drive a short distance to Chau Chu mountain where we’ll explore Khai Dinh’s tomb before the breathtaking drive on the winding road over Hai Van Pass (Ocean Cloud Pass), a road that the Top Gear dudes drooled over, in fact Jeremy Clarkson described this route as “a deserted ribbon of perfection—one of the best coast roads in the world.” We’ll have a break at pristine Red Beach before heading to Hoi An to check into our hotel. We thought you might like the freedom to dine tonight on your own in this lantern lit ancient town, but you also have the option of accompanying our local guide for the best sandwiches in all of Vietnam.
Meals: Breakfast, lunch
Overnight: Deluxe rooms at the Library Hotel in Hoi An
DAY 6: March 12th Hoi An (Full Moon Festival)
- Ancient town, a rural motorbike ride, egg coffee and street food
Hoi An is an exceptionally well preserved trading port and UNESCO world heritage site. During the first century it was the largest harbour in South-East Asia and by the seventh to tenth centuries it dominated the spice trade. During the Full Moon Festival the streets of the old town are closed to motor traffic and colourful lanterns are lit making this delightful for night photography. During the day you’ll get to navigate the historic alleys and shops, try Vietnam’s famous egg coffee (so good), sample street food, and sniff your way through clouds of incense. In the afternoon we’ll take motorbikes (you can drive or be a passenger) along rural lanes through rice paddies and along rivers. Then in the late afternoon we’ll head to another beach to swim and have dinner where you choose (this allows you to select the beachside bar or bistro you’d like). After dinner we’ll head back to the old town for the Full Moon Festival.
Meals: Breakfast, lunch (food tour)
Overnight: Deluxe rooms at the Little Hoi An Central Boutique & Spa Hotel
DAY 7 March 13th: Hoi An – fly to Hanoi
- Spice, Vietnamese traditional medicine, cyclos, dumplings and spring rolls, and Ho Chi Minh’s mausoleum
Hanoi is the capital city of Vietnam. You’ll have seen the communist government signs throughout the country before this, but the pomp and circumstance is in Hanoi, yet, like Blade Runner, is intertwined with old world street life. After a quick visit to the iconic sites we’ll spend more time in the old quarter with the spice merchants and and practitioners of ancient medicine.
Meals: Breakfast, early dinner (street food tour) – since we’ll be flying during lunch we thought we’d have an early dinner today.
Overnight: Luxury rooms at MK Premier Boutique Hotel
DAY 8, March 14th: Hanoi – Tam Coc – Hanoi
- Limestone mountains, sampan boats through stalactite caves, motorbike tour, (“temple of doom” – today is the Indiana Jones-esque day of our adventure)
After yet another fabulous buffet breakfast we drive through the fertile Red River Delta to get to Ninh Binh where we’ll be taking a two-hour sampan boat trip through the Three Caves (Tam Coc). The area is dotted with vertical limestone mountains jutting out of rice paddies. After we dock we’ll have a multi-course Vietnamese lunch (last time I was at this restaurant a large group of Vietnamese war vets were having a government paid for luncheon). Once feasted we’ll swing our legs over motorbikes (the water buffalo I mentioned at the start of this comes soon) and will travel by back roads through villages to the temple of Hoa Lu, which was dedicated to a Heroic 10th century King. Overlooking the temple is Yen Ma mountain – and we’ll climb it for the panoramic views and because we’ve been eating a lot. Back in Hanoi, you’ll be given free time this evening to either rest or negotiate the night market. Our Vietnamese guide will recommend great nearby dining, or you might decide that tonight is the night you want room service. It’s up to you.
Meals: Breakfast, lunch
Overnight: Luxury rooms MK Boutique Hotel
DAY 9, March 15: Hanoi to Halong Bay (also spelled Ha Long Bay)
We’ll arrive at Tuan Chau marina before lunch and will board our cruise boat (a Chinese style junk) for our overnight cruise in Ha Long Bay, a UNESCO world heritage site featuring thousands of karst mountains and islands rising from the bay and intricate systems of caves. After meeting the captain and crew, checking into your cabins, and enjoying a welcome drink, we’ll have lunch on board as we set sail. We’ll make stops so you get to explore a gigantic cave, take a panoramic photo from a mountain top, go for a swim, or maybe do some squid fishing, or just embrace the sunset with a cocktail in hand.
Meals: Breakfast, lunch, dinner
DAY 10, Ha Long Bay – Hanoi
There are before breakfast activities aboard the cruise such as Tai Chi. After breakfast you’ll have the option of either kayaking or taking a bamboo boat paddled by a local fisherman around the floating villages. Those who choose can take a quick cooking course and learn to make Vietnamese spring rolls (you’ll be rolling our lunch appetizer). A multi course lunch will be served before we dock and return to Hanoi. Tonight we’ll have a farewell dinner at a popular local spot in Hanoi, including rice wine (which has a kick) and locally made beer.
Overnight: luxury rooms at MK Boutique Hotel
Meals: Breakfast, lunch, dinner
DAY 11: Hanoi
After breakfast we can take you to the airport for your flight home or help you arrange your onward plans. By ending in Hanoi, you are much closer to possible connecting flights from Hong Kong or Tokyo. Our Vietnamese experts can also assist you with plans to stay longer in Vietnam.
EXPEDITION HOSTS (keep scrolling for prices and inclusions):
Christopher Campbell is your photography host and will be guiding you to take fantastic images throughout the trip (if you’d like to learn), no matter the devices you bring. He will also provide you with digital images he takes of your adventures. Chris hosted our photography and eating expedition across Jordan in 2014 and our Dracula Expedition in Transylvania, Romania, Halloween in 2015 and again in 2016. Chris is a renowned food photographer. His work can be seen on TV’s Food Network cooking shows and in publications as varied as Chatelaine, Spa Magazine or Harper Collins cookbooks–and most definitely in ads–he’s the one you can blame for making you crave Absolut Vodka, Kahlua, Gordon’s gin, Florida oranges, or even test driving a Mercedes.
Kirsten Koza is the leader and organizer of Writers’ Expeditions. She designs the adventures with her expert hosts, international tour operators, and local guides and ruthlessly test drives each expedition. She is an author, humorist, journalist, editor, and adventurer. Her articles and photos have been published in newspapers and magazines around the world. She’s a contributor to the “travel publishing giant” Travelers’ Tales (USA): The Best Women’s Travel Writing, and humor anthologies, and is the editor of their recent travel humor book Wake Up and Smell the Shit. Kirsten is a journalist and writes on topics as varied as cannibalism, tornadoes, disease, politics, bullfighting, dildos, Putin, and gluten, and covered Syrian refugees, when she went to Zaatari, in a three-part series. CBC Radio Canada International declares Kirsten’s book, Lost in Moscow, “the ultimate what-I-did-last-summer essay ever.”
“I am Minh Ninh, a local tour operator in Vietnam. I have over nine years experience in the tourism and hospitality industry. I like travelling and that’s why I chose this work. Travelling means discovering new lands, meeting new friends, listening to new stories and having new experiences. I love my beautiful country, Vietnam, and I am lucky to have many chances to visit the most famous and beautiful places in Vietnam as well as in Indochina, and I enjoy sharing my part of the world with you.
My team and I specialize in high quality, memorable private custom tours in Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia. We organize unique trips and take travellers to both the most famous places and the less-visited destinations, to uncover the authentic cultures and beautiful landscapes.”
PRICES FOR EAT YOUR WAY ACROSS VIETNAM: $2645.00 USD per person (double room), $350.00 single supplement (additional rate to have single room for trip)
To Reserve your spot a 20% deposit is required. Please contact us first: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Two internal airfare (flights) from Ho Chi Minh to Hue, and Danang to Hanoi
- Professional photographer: Photography host (who will guide you to take fantastic photos and will also provide you with images of his throughout the journey and when you get home for your personal use)
- Travel Writer/ Author: Host and tour organizer (who will also provide writing and publishing tips for all who are interested)
- English speaking Vietnamese tour guides
- Accommodation in hotels
- Overnight cruise in Halong Bay
- Most meals (as indicated in the itinerary – and by the way – the breakfasts are great – with big selections)
- Tastings (as per itinerary)
- Private air conditioned vehicles with professional drivers
- Vietnamese coffee as per program
- Sightseeing and cycle fees and permits during guided time
- Private speedboat to visit Mekong
- Motorbike in Hoi An and Ninh Binh
- Boat trip in Ninh Binh
- Cyclo in Hanoi and Hue
- Night food and culture tour in Saigon, and Street food tour in Can Tho, Hue, Hoi An and Hanoi
- Water puppet show
- Water bottles in car
- Visa approval letter to enter Vietnam (this is not your Visa but is helpful when you apply)
- All service charges and taxes included
- International flight tickets to and from Vietnam
- Visas and airport departure tax
- Health and travel insurance (you need to get this)
- Tips / gratuities
- Drinks (when not listed on itinerary) and other meals
This expedition is operated in conjunction with a licensed tour operator in Vietnam.
CONTACT KIRSTEN KOZA IN CANADA: email@example.com
(she can arrange to phone you as well, or SKYPE, if you’d like to chat)
Now more food from Vietnam!
Whether you’re spending Valentine’s Day with your favorite lover or the old ball and chain, or possibly better than either — your imagination — you could sit there on the holiday and look at a dozen long-stemmed roses, or you could have an orgasm, or a dozen, with the Wilde one, a dildo named for Oscar Wilde, who said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
Dildos have been around since the Stone Age, but have come a long way. (read more…)
FINISHED – see 2017 – The Dracula Expedition: Transylvania, Romania – Oct. 28 to Nov. 2, 2016. We have Dracula’s birth chamber reserved for our dinner party for 2017. Stay tuned for prices, dates, and itinerary for 2017 – we’re just waiting for Bran Castle to set their date for the party so we can set ours.
This tour is the most fantastic Halloween invitation I’ve sent out yet, and I hope you can join us. Our six-day (small group) Romanian adventure includes dining on Halloween night in the house where the real-life Dracula, Vlad Drăculea (known as Vlad the Impaler), was born in 1431. And we’ll also be guests at a party inside Dracula’s castle (built circa 1377) which was owned by Vlad’s grandfather (Mircea the Old) and was attacked by Vlad in 1460.
Our Transylvanian guide and expert (with whom I explored Romania with extensively), has designed a journey that will take us to his favourite local haunts: medieval castles with gruesome history, torture chambers, moody cemeteries, all contrasted with one of the most beautiful times of year to visit Romania which will be glowing in autumn colours. And Christopher Campbell, professional photographer (Chatelaine, Food Network, Harper Collins), will be guiding you during our escapades to capture photos of a lifetime, whether you’re using a mobile device, point & shoot, or a DSLR with multiple lenses. Plus he’ll be providing you (throughout the expedition and when you get back home) with digital images of your adventures.
Oh, and BYOC (“C” stands for costume) – the rest is included: all meals (you can go on a diet when you get home), accommodation, and transportation while on this phenomenal tour.
Adventure Travel Writer
Writers’ Expeditions Host: firstname.lastname@example.org
(2016 itinerary, prices and early bird specials below. Save $400 US for a single or $800 US on a double when you sign-up now. Our expedition of eight participants sold out last year. We respond quickly to emails, and you should hear back within 24 hours – you can also contact us on Facebook at the Writers’ Expeditions page or message Kirsten at: email@example.com)
DRACULA EXPEDITION 2016 ITINERARY AND PRICES:
Day 1, Friday, October 28th:
- Pickup at Bucharest airport. – Next door to our hotel are the ruins of the Princely Palace, the castle that Dracula built in celebration of his own greatness or evilness. In the evening we’ll explore the historic pedways of the old town of Bucharest which was first settled in 70 BC and by the 1400’s was the wealthiest city in Eastern Europe. Then we’ll dine at The Beer Chariot, a spectacular 19th century restaurant which is always packed with locals and boasts an extensive menu of tasty Romanian dishes. – Overnight at Europa Royale Bucharest Hotel.
Day 2, Saturday, October 29th (drinks are on Dracula tonight):
After a hot buffet breakfast at the hotel, we’ll visit the Palace of Parliament, the second largest building in the world (after the Pentagon), and a legacy of a more recent “Dracula,” the communist dictator Ceausescu (executed in 1989). Then we’ll leave Bucharest for Snagov Monastery. In 1476 Prince Vlad Dracula was assassinated, and the monks of Snagov recovered his headless body and buried it on an island inside their church. Our driver will then take us across the Carpathian mountains to our lodge at Horia’s family farm where we can change into our costumes for the party at Dracula’s castle. You’ll soon see why Bram Stoker was inspired to create Dracula. This special event is the only time the castle doors open at night.
Day 3, Sunday, October 30th: After a hearty breakfast at the farm we’ll drive to Brasov where we’ll conquer the medieval ramparts, watchtowers, and Saxon churches (if they don’t conquer us). But best of all, this walled city boasts one of the narrowest streets in Europe. From Brasov it’s to Rasnov: where we’ll explore the 13th century, mountaintop fortress built by Teutonic Knights, and then we’ll return to Moeciu for another Romanian feast, a bonfire, hot wine and ghost stories, before heading to the cemetery for a ghoulish nighttime photography session.
Day 4, Monday, October 31st, Halloween (tonight we dine in the house where Prince Dracula was born):
Today we drive a couple of scenic hours to Sighisoara which is on the UNESCO World Heritage list. We’ll be spending the night inside this preserved walled town, in a medieval hotel, across the street from the house where Vlad Dracula was born in 1431, which is where we’ll be dining this Hallows’ Eve.
Day 5, Tuesday, November 1st:
The ruins of Poenari Castle are perched high on a rugged crag above the Arges river gorge. There are 1,480 stairs to Dracula’s “vulture nest.” One of last year’s participants worked it out to being 100 storeys. Now, if you really think you can’t make the climb–there’s a lovely lodge and restaurant down the road from the first step.
In 1462 Prince Vlad Dracula was sieged at Poenari by the Turks. He sent a message to the village of Arefu for help but his wife, terrified of capture, threw herself into the river far below before the rescuers arrived. The villagers came at night and smuggled the Prince across the mountains to safety and in return he gave them 16 mountains of pastureland, a reward the inhabitants of Arefu still celebrate more than 500 years later.
Our next stop is Targoviste which was the capital city of Wallachia until 1459. The townsfolk of Targoviste were blamed by Vlad for their involvement in the assassination of his brother by the Turks. Vlad moved the capital to Bucharest, killed nobles, and enslaved the town to build Poenari.
- Drive back to Bucharest.
The tour ends in Bucharest at about 6 PM.
PRICES AND INCLUSIONS AND HOST BIOS:
If you book now the price is $1490 USD per person for a double (the single room supplement is just $165 USD for the entire trip). Regular tour price is $1890 USD. We can get some good deals if we book your trip now and are passing the savings directlly to you. Rates go up closer to peak season. Normally I encourage solo travelers to have their own snore and burp space, but on this tour, if you think your imagination might play games at night, you may want a roommate. – A $250.00 deposit reserves your spot. Please contact us first at: firstname.lastname@example.org
- All accommodation (the delightful inns are small and unique – three star)
- All meals (don’t blame us if you gain weight – the food in Romania is fabulous, and you’re the one ordering what you want from the menus)
- Some alcohol (see itinerary)
- Photography sessions for those who wish
- Professional photographs of your journey
- Writing tips for any who wish
- All transfers and transportation on tours
- English speaking guide
- Our own driver and private vehicle
- All entrance fees to castles and museums
- Alcohol (unless listed on the itinerary)
- Visa (not something for North Americans or Europeans to worry about)
Christopher Campbell: once again I’ve invited one of my favourite photographers (and one of the best travel companions you’ll ever meet) to lead our photographic adventures and share a lifetime of tips, tricks & technique. You have probably seen his images displayed on TV’s Food Network cooking shows or in publications as varied as Chatelaine, Spa Magazine, or Harper Collins cookbooks–and most definitely in ads–he’s the one you can blame for making you crave Absolut Vodka, Kahlua, that dew dripping glass of Gordon’s gin, Florida oranges, late night fast food at Wendy’s or McDonald’s (blame him for that), or test driving a Mercedes—that’s Christopher Campbell’s fault too.
Kirsten Koza: I’m your host and expedition designer and am a professional adventure travel writer, author, humourist and journalist. I’m currently on the book tour for the Travelers’ Tales (USA) anthology I edited: Wake Up and Smell the Shit: Hilarious Travel Disasters, Monstrous Toilets, and a Demon Dildo. I ruthlessly pretest Writers’ Expeditions trips and find the best local guides, tour operators, and unique adventures, so you can have a great experience.
I write on topics as varied as going inside the largest Syrian refugee camp, bullfighting, cannibalism, tornado chasing, mountain biking, dildos, dictators, Putin, gluten, and politics. My stories and photographs have been published in books, newspapers and magazines around the world, and I’ve even made the front page of Kyrgyzstan’s national newspaper. I’m the author of Lost in Moscow: A Brat in the USSR.